Well how sick are u. Ive got a good immune system.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
You tried to use him as a battering ram. I'm 99% certain that's why he left.
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
nothing like a long car ride to make you think of all the bad things you've done
Randomize
