last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
Definitely a Xanax and Jell-O shots kinda day...except my Jell-O shots are really just a big bowl of a Jell-O shot that I use a spoon to eat.
I'm in the fetal position watching the little mermaid and trying not to die. When do you come home?
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
where are my pants?
in the oven.
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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