he believed the zit on my nose was a piercing...until he tried to bite it. needless to say he didnt ask for my number
Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.
im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)
this is your brother
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
Just drug him and when he wakes up say "You just woke up from a coma, we've been married for 5 years." It'll be like The Vow but fucked up.
I just sat watching friends in the bathtub by candlelight...nights like this make me wonder if I ever want to be in a relationship again
I just watched my high school guidance counselor pee in the backyard of this party.
Randomize
