apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
the last thing i remember is you screaming lets hunt humans.
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
She says I'm cute and I remind her of her brother. She's too hot to back out now. I don't know. I'm guna go for it.
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone
Im dating a 38 year old who's lap I can fit in. Tell me I don't have daddy issues.
I feel like I should be doing a victory lap around my house to the rocky music, or zapping and smiting people with my mystic wizard powers
Only in my life does a conversation about Hanukkah lead to sexting
She gave you a handy in the bar and you were surprised she was good with a dick?
Hahah good point
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
Ahh yes. I lost my pants and swimming suit and phone charger. And I've found out who has them all even while hungover. Successful day. Nice party too.
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
