Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
how much do you want to bet that her wedding invites will be vera bradley themed? loser has to frame theirs.
I'm so hungover And my mouth is so dry it feels like my tongue is wearing a sweater
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck
She's in the bathroom. Literally just told me she could make a guy cum using just her words. Not bad for Sunday brunch.
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I woke up with "To whom it may concern" sharpied on my dick
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
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