On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
we went to that german restaurant and drank out of the boots. Then I threw up into one
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude, i just watched a drag queen dropkick a motherfucker. this is a good night.
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
My inner 10 year old alcoholic is intrigued.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
so apparently over the course of the night my roommate and i had sex in exactly the same spot. ps the downstairs sink needs cleaning.
A dozen fresh-baked cookies delivered to my dorm AND I don't have chlamydia or gonorrhea... Could this night get any better??
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
Randomize
