Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
We took it as we must go to waffle house or else we will upset the gods.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
It would be magical, all 2 min of it.
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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