Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
i've counted 4 condom wrappers but only 3 condoms. not again.
woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Wait does semen show up on blood tests?
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
Someone just asked me why I drink so much. Im gonna slap a bitch
This makes me appreciate being single with no prospects.
I drank a fishbowl of liquor and next thing I know I'm sliding into Zach Galifinakis' DMs
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
Randomize
