Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Not only do I have a well-defined bite mark on my arm, but I also have a perfectly clear bruise of a handprint wrapped around my arm like a tribal tattoo. Thoughts on how that happened?
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
My mom said "I saw the signs you guys were high, so I made the spaghetti"....so ya, I'd say she definitely knew
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