Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
I hate this i feel like im wasting my youth here. I should be off hooking up with boys around the world and having awkward next morning convos in different languages!!
sometimes i wish i had a whole other life to spend on youtube
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
I'm sorry I peed on the bushes at your law firm. Is there anyway you could defend me for the ticket I'm about to get?
Pretty sure at some point last night i said to myself "it'll be fun to completely lose my mind for a night"
...and if you can get the necessary ingredients to make the Buffalo Chicken Melt, I will latch forever at your Teat of Justice.
My car insurance payment showed up today, so no inflatable hot tub for now. Sorry to disappoint.
Wait. How did I get engaged last night?
Randomize
