He looks too sensitive, like he's going to write me a poem and cry after the first time we have sex.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat
My ATM looks so different sober.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I had a glass of wine for breakfast. It's gonna be a rough week.
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
