My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air
I was like, "um, that's my butthole."
I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.
No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Speaking of gay, some dude in a life vest just goes, we should pull our dicks out! To larry. Were leaving now. I saw penis
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
He ate me out while Space Jam was on. My life is complete.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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