My hair reeks of homosexuality.
i just won a 100 dollar gift card to walmart in a karaoke contest...i love kentucky
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.
Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
cake and sex. what better combination is there.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Randomize
