I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.
her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
My bruised ribs were so worth that win in beer pong
he said he was going grocery shopping but when he came back all he had was a jumbo bag of pancake mix and case of beer.
the essentials, lol
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
bullshit you weren't drunk, you pointed at me and said my cigarette was empty
She broke up with me. I guess I was in the most chaste lesbian relationship in the history of the world and had no idea.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
I'll do anything with you, except downhill sports and butt stuff.
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
Turns out I made out with a woman dressed as a unicorn here 10 years ago
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