whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
he fucked me so hard my future children felt it
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.
the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.
Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I'm drinking too much free beer
Thats like saying one owns too many kittens. It's not possible.
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
Randomize
