there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.
We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
That's just a really flattering way of saying, "Yes, you're useless, but you have great tits."
Next time I think buying tan-thru bikinis is a good idea, remind me of that time I passed out in one and burned the epic shit out of my pussy.
When was that?
Yesterday. Bring aloe. For my pussy.
Apparently "I licked it so now it's mine" doesn't apply to people
I really thought I'd be the only alcoholic drinking alone in my car at noon in the Lowe's parking lot. Passed out dude in the car next to me begs to differ.
Everyone was in the walk-in getting high, and I had to be all cool. Serving soup and salads. Night manager status doesn't pay enough.
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
You had me at "let me see your balls"
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
Randomize
