I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.
haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.
I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.
I'm drinking straight vodka and railing lines of adderall while writing a paper about the nature of Jesus. It's 6:50 in the morning. College.
guys with girlfriends don't have a leg to stand on when they get mad at you for fucking other guys
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
I mean I just feel if I'm not being fat and lazy then I'm not really being myself
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I thought you died. Don't forget it's burger night.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
