Good. I was naked most of the night. But sometimes I would wear my tux vest...But only my tux vest. It was classy
She's like a pop up book from hell.
you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
That boy needs some memories to take back home with him
Look, if I'm too lazy to put any effort into sexting, you better believe I'm too lazy to put any effort into dating.
I have a high opinion of you, you smash bitches. Respect.
I feel like you can't break up with someone on 420. It's against stoner code
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
What’s the level of adulting when you reschedule a dentist appointment to have a threesome?
I'm so sorry for trying to eat your puzzle last night...
You walked right into the door. Even the door guy and security guys were laughing.
Randomize
