I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
We should be called the Road Head Warriors
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
should I fuck that poor girl
no dude she won't be able to afford a fucking abortion
At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
Is it socially acceptable to be blind drunk at half five on a Monday afternoon?
Which pub are you in?
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
She told us she had powers and that eating tree bark cures the shits.
Randomize
