I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
He just told me he's been drinking vodka at work all day. I'm starting to believe in soul mates.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Idk yet. Trying to convince him to get a phoenix bird tattoo first
You should know me better than that. I don't whore around. I promise this is a blowjobs only kind of trip.
I'm stoned at 1030am, watching Maury with my exboyfriend. I need to make better choices with my life.
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Sorry for peeing on you and your bed last night.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
We somehow ended up in Oklahoma. Nick's been crapping for two hours and I'm afraid to call a doctor because who the hell knows what sort of stuff goes down in the middle of nowhere. So not a great long weekend really.
Randomize
