I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
I've officially put my junk in foods from 5 of the 6 layers of the nutrition pyramid
I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
Did you know they have alcohol AND weed delivery in Canada??? I'm not EVER coming home
splinters make it hard to masturbate
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
The cops spotted my on my walk of shame down the boardwalk and gave me a ride home. I'm starting to make a name for myself here.
I wouldn't be able to live with myself if I blew a Trump supporter.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
