im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
The one night I bring a girl home you leave the footloose soundtrack playing.
Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
She Kept going around and squirting jello shots into guys mouths. That was her ice breaker.
There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
I just realized I donated our bong to goodwill.. RIP Kimbo Slice
You suck, She hit so hard.
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Unless my dick prospects improve this year’s Halloween costume will include panties with “DTF” written on them and a push up bra
Randomize
