remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
you want my honest opinion? I'm sure refering to her vagina as the "bat cave" was your first mistake.
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.
I'm turning twenty & the only honorable way to exit my teens is by slapping the fuck outta the bag. You better be in.
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
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