i'm saving my butt for my wedding night
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
So, i might have left my morals back in 2011.
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
Randomize
