Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
he's a nude model. what could you have done to make him feel awkward??
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
still haven't packed clothes. only wine. gotta love spring break
Screw this I'm going to go talk to her. If you hear sirens they're for me.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?
he literally referred to his penis as the alaskan bull worm from spongebob. when can we get married
Have you ever felt like autocorrect is judging you with its suggested words? Like how it won't suggest certain words until you type in pretty much the entire word, is it just thinking 'No way did this dude use "consent laws" in the same sentence as "17th?" Or is that just me.
We were still up at 6am, taking shots, because thats apparently how he liked to "get the day started".
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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