You just made me feel so damn special
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
this is the second time this week i got a blowjob from a crying girl.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
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