i have a new swear word: supercalifuckaliciousexpialadamnit
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.
He just called me juicy booty via text message.
There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?
They can be so fun, drunk bruises are like clues to the treasure of what actually happened last night. "why do I have a bruise on my belly button? oh right. i was trying to turn my stomach off so I would stop throwing up."
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
WAIT MOM THIS DOESNT NEED TO BE A FAMILY EVENT OK AARON DOESNT NEED TO BE AROUND FOR NIPPLEGATE 2014
I need a sign that says “please don’t make plans with me if I’ve had two or more drinks. I will regret them. I will have bitter feelings towards you. Then I will cancel and feel guilty.”
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
You might see me up a tree with a deranged look in my eye , just walk away at that point
Our livers are going to hate us.
It's okay, they're regenerative. God wanted this.
Randomize
