Where were you when I was single???
Still in diapers.
he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
He's a collector of sorts
Any cool stuff?
You should see the collection of booggers in the carpet next to his desk
dude i doubt hes gay
I CAUGHT HIM BEATING OFF TO MENS HEALTH!
Met some locals. They are taking me to a place where there is topless bullriding. I love this country.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Once again, marijuana saves me from going to jail
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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