she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Is there some kind of disinfectant spray people use? Why would anyone want to eat ass??
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I told the person I was on the phone with to hold on while I looked for my phone. I think it's time to stop doing dabs.
Guess who has two thumbs and broke her boyfriends dick?
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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