I took off my clothes and she wanted to have sex. But then she changed her mind. So we ended up fucking through her panties or something. I don't know it was weird.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
The only person I have to bring is crazy hospital guy
HE'S NOT INVITED!!!
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Was I trying to make a threesome happen again?!
Yep
I need to stop doing that, Im gonna get punched in the face
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
Woke up with a glow stick in my boobs this morning. Must've dominated Sunday.
lord you gonna make me abandon my soup for tasteful catboy nudes
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