glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Eventually evolution will just give us a better liver anyway, so our great great grandkids should THANK us for our binge drinking.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
It's just good to know that when I drink like a twenty year old I still act like one.
I'd introduce you to the guys, but you'd probably make them all fall in love with you
I could do with a Floridian man-harem. Let's do this.
He told me I have nice nipples. You can't just tell someone that and then leave the state!
I better make out with at least 3 princesses and 4 animals this weekend.
If someone plays phil collins i'm gonna take off my clothes
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
TSA found the edibles
Fuck
Oh my god he just. Swiped them for explosives and handed them back to me
God bless California
Randomize
