He looked like the mexican version of Steve Carrell with a unibrow.
Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.
So, I had a dream last night that girls approached guys at the bar and said things like "i would like to pleasure you tonight." No drink buying, no sweet talking or ANYTHING.....it. was. awesome.
Doing blow at 6am to "wake myself up for clinicals" was a baaaaad idea
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
How do I enter a double puke and rally into my calorie counter?
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
