I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
well that explains the french fry and ketchup packet rolled into the wasitband of my sweats. thank you drunk me.
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
This is three metal detector wands away from being the strangest porn I have ever been in the audience for.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
Just found a handle of Tito's in my TV stand
Can't recall when I put that there, but let's goooo
Randomize
