I'm so bored and have no one to sexy text
I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent
fuckk wrong person
.. who was that for? a girlscout?
you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
You know just sitting here carrying on a conversation with a 5 yr old about why there is puke at the landing of the staircase
i'm having taco bell mild sauce and tums for breakfast because i'm hungover and thats all i can find. it's like thanksgiving up in here
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
just found out that she named her cat after me.
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
we were having a conversation about big dicks and the chick at the table beside us turned to us said "me and my boyfriend just broke up a few days ago. Could you please NOT talk about big dicks"
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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