I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I have no idea what's going on.... I just want to wear my horse sweatshirt and drink vodka.
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
Yeah, you went up to him and said "I stare at people until they feel obligated to talk to me."
Question: what's the protocol for seeing your mistress walking alongside her clueless boyfriend? If you could answer this ten minutes ago, that'd be great.
He handed me a temporary tattoo and said cover the hickey up with this
Apparently hitting a bong with your mouth half numb is hilarious but frustrating!
We can't go out this weekend. My uterus is so desperate it's given me permanent beer goggles
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I can't remember what I did last night, but judging from the state of my hair I had a pretty good time.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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