the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
yeah. then i thought it would be a good idea to show them how hairy my armpits were, so they'd be distracted from the bush in my pants. EPIC FAIL.
Just don't lie down.. Throwing up upwards is NOT cute the second time.
Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.
He wheeled me around walmart in a cart, and stole at least 30 dollars of junior mints fpr me. Best date ever.
Yes, he did use his cock to direct traffic from my 3rd story window. That's why I love him
Would it be inappropriate to trade Christmas cookies for sex?
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
are you fucking roseanne barr in there?
I need like a billion tiny bottles of alcohol to put in the patron pinatas
Randomize
