Should I shave my pubes in the shape of a top hat so I can nickname my junk Abe Lincoln?
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
Just stay awake and booze cruise it to class. How are you a senior and have never went to class drunk? No excuses, I have a better gpa.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
Randomize
