Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
just went to the store to buy a mop & tampons. i feel like i just gave in to all those women jokes.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness
If drawing me a picture of his dick in draw something is flirting then he is doing it wrong.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
I was so gone I thought the cops banging on my door were kids from the party trying to get into my room... needless to say, I started moaning louder so they would take the hint.
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
I fucked that choir dude last night. he had the most strangely musical moans. it was like a Sound Of Music porno.
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Im so fucked up I'm drinking baileys and coffee just to stay awake.
It's 6 in the afternoon?
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
