you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much
It's like, I'm the official vagina for that DJ group
There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
I just took the soggiest of beer shits and all i have to eat is shredded cheese and more beer. I need an adult.
Sorry about coming to the pool in only a thong. I thought you said it was closed. Not that you were teaching a group of kids how to swim.
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Last night I somehow got INCREDIBLY wasted & thought it was a good idea to make a group chat with all the guys I'm hooking up with and just say "bye." soo I'm hiding out till next week.
Will you remind me I changed my hotspot phone password to fuckyouprivilegedwhitedude
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
What are you bringing to class tomorrow?
sorrow
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
