Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
My mom wanted me and my brother to have some bonding time before I left for school. Our bonding time consisted of us smokin a few bowls then goin to Red Robin to cure the munchies. Ooo how I love family time :)
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...
There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
Dude. I've never been with a guy who just wanted to go down on me all the time including while I'm shooting zombies on call of duty. My life is complete.
FRIENDS DON'T LET FRIENDS WASTE THE LAST ADDERALL.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
it's the amount of time you spend on preventing me from puking that really cements this friendship
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
I mean, I'm not hammered, but I definitely can't show my face or tits in that bowling alley again
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