I just watched Juno. I kind of wish I was in highschool and pregnant
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
He had a huge mole on his dick. Genetics has cockblocked him for life.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.
You don't want any of I have. Seriously. Its 80 proof rum that was 8 bucks for a liter. I'm afraid
I'm sure your liver is writing out a will as we speak
We play this game where we catch up on what we missed over five years of not talking to eachother, then we have sex like nothing ever happened.
I don't have time to shower before my passport photos...your cum is all over my hair...that's with me for 10 years now
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Bear grylls would be proud of my improvisation. Just used her vibrator to massage my back after hurting it at work.
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
It's difficult to focus on bonds when you know your classmate peed in your mouth
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