Can i not drive my cunt home
Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Ketchup is God's man juice
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
i noticed he has a cardboard window on his car and he told me he locked his keys in his car and had to break in...this only makes him more appealing
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
He did 5 five hand stand push ups and took off his shirt for a barbarian flex. Some girl took off her shirt and threw it at him
I went to an 8am hookup in another guys sweatpants. Who is the really player here?
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
Randomize
