Already got asked if we're dating
My eyes are so dilated i literally have night vision right now.
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
lets have sex before this no shave november shit gets outta hand.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
All I know is I woke up next to her beside the toilet
Its name is Richard. And I think he formally introduced us.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
the staff put glowsticks in the urinals of the porta-pottys last night and honestly drunk me has never been more grateful for anything in his life
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
i had to win in rock paper scissors, get called a fat whore, and make two dudes get in a fight so we could call next game on the table and you make zero cups. thanks asshole.
Randomize
