I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
my boobs just fell out on the dance floor. my wedding is totally beating your wedding
You need to come back and get me. This is not a jersey shore party and he is not dressed as Pauly D and I am about one shot away from hooking up with a real fist pumping Guido.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
Saw your dad at the bar last night... And again this morning when he left. Told you not to mess with me bitch.
Randomize
