I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"
Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...
It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
You know you're a heffer when you discover chocolate frosting on your smoking apparatus
Being able to fart in her presence and not be judged is why I pay half the rent.
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
She was crying and pulled the collar of her shirt up to blot the tears. And then she just kept her head there. And stopped crying. "My boobs are just too amazing for me to cry." her words not mine please help she's still in that position
he's figured out my code; what are you doing = I haven't found a better dick yet
Randomize
