I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Who did Billy Mays play for?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I wonder what blackout Alex would think of her?
probably "functioning vagina, must touch"
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
His wedding band got caught on my nipple ring and that's how I realized he was married
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