We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
her wearing orange crocs at the bar was definitely a great form of contraception
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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