Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!
Woke up in a wet suit with my junk cut out. In a strange apartment. Just found thing biggest bong u have ever seen. WHERE ARE YOU?!?!?!
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
So the bartender from Applebees totally looks like he would take his clothes off for $40
I like how you possess the gift that turns normal guys into strippers
Yeah, but she is forever sending my vagina on some sort of mission.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Sneezing cum all over the table was not the highlight of the family reunion if that tells you anything
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
