This situation is one cop call away from being a Lifetime movie.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I'm making a conscious effort to limit my spending at the bars...i wrote "FOR CAB ONLY" on a $20 last night
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
dude just did a line with screech. dude is fucking creepy
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
I may be new to bar life, but full on grabbing my vag shouldn't happen...anywhere.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.
Honestly bro, I can't look at girls you've banged. Its like looking herpes in the face.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
Ate a live seahorse, then tried to order a nacho bell grande from an ATM.
How the fuck do you get to keep practicing as a Nurse.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Randomize
