Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.
Bartender at the wedding asked if he was making my drinks too strong. I laughed at him.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
I never said it was inaccurate, I said I hate you.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Randomize
