I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
Through drunken recall, I have managed to bring back awful memories of losing my virginity. And possibly traumatized my niece trying to get her to "learn from my mistakes".
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
I want to just live in between your butt cheeks.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
he made that chewbacca noise when he came. like father like son i guess.
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
The fact that you cheered yourself on while you puked saying it was your first college puke, blacked out, and sang taylor swift to the toilet confirms the fact that we are related. I've never been more proud.
Randomize
