If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I just ate a fried snickers. I now officially accept all fat jokes
We were in the shower and he sat down an wouldn't do anything. I'm so glad he manscapes. It made washing his balls less awkward.
98% is good enough for me. Kinda like birth control. Worth the risk
Nothing is better than seeing someone you fucked go to the Olympics. I feel so American.
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
Like I owe him sex. Hell fucking no. I owe myself sex. With a celebrity. Or a clean pornstar. Who knows.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
You let the ASEXUAL teach sex Ed?!
The cure for a hangover evidently is not walking around in a costume in the sun towards of park of screaming children
Randomize
