I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed
i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!
Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!
well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.
We're going clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
What will that accomplish?
It will accomplish clubbing with matching soccer jerseys on.
i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.
I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"
We proceeded to buy tattoos from the dollar store and interpretive dance to of monsters and men, it's safe to say he's my new fuck buddy
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
Curing hangovers with more alcohol was a great idea for the first five days
Sorry you uh had to see that last night. That's the problem with open fields, no privacy...
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