i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
She got mad when I told her I'd bone her mom. She got MORE mad when her mom heard, and was flattered by it. Proud to say I attract MILFS.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
I opened up my wallet and it was filled with puke.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Not as awesome as someone telling you that you have the biggest tits they've ever seen. And they're like 30-something, so they've seen a decent amount of tits in their lifetime.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
I know I'm moving in six days but getting wine drunk and laying in bed just sounds so good right now
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
Every time I see this chick she's swimming naked at a pool party. That's gotta mean something right?
A true gentleman never tells. But yes, I did indeed get laid last night
Randomize
