Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.
Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.
I feel like he has a double life, why was he walking around at 3 am with a backpack?
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
Idk what was more embarassing, seeing her face when I finished, or seeing her roomates faces thru the door..
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
It's brunch. If you find dick at brunch. You an A+ hoe.
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns
i am not an asshole. i paid for her to take a cab home.
dude, we were in ann arbor. she's from cincinnati. ten bucks didn't even get her back on I-94. i maintain my position. you are indeed an asshole.
Yoooooo, the fat magician married the chick I dumped a beer on after I got pissed he was flirting with her in front of me
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