We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
They ran out of ice at the party, so I fixed my drink with frozen broccoli....the show must go on!
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
It's going to be so weird waking up tomorrow morning fully rested completely sober and not covered in piss or bruises.
I am sending my doctor an XXXMas card thanking him for my tits!
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
Wanna get drunk and play candy land? If so you are 2 steps behind.
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
Randomize
