You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?
Nevermind, it's in the dryer.
A beer fell out of the case, hit the ground and started spraying. He's a pro. He grabbed it and shotgunned it while still holding the case.
She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Am I supposed to get so horny by looking at your dick that I start orgasming uncontrollably
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
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