They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
my facebook is like a giant collection of my one night stands
I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.
I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.
It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution
I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
Dude random question. Where you with me when the vulture got electrocuted from the power lines and fell on the sidewalk in front of us?
Urgent. Do not ignore. What does this "=$" shit mean. Quality foreign dick is at stake here
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
Reminding you of hookups your brain is trying to suppress. That's what friends are fooooooooor...
You wear a dinosaur suit one time and everyone thinks you're a furry. Fucking hell, man.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
