just went home with some hot chick. she has posters of the jonas brothers in her room. i basically ran out of the house.
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
I have major gossip for you.
Oh no, did you have sex last night?
If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Who brings a stripper home to ninja turtle bed sheets
Me and I got head
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
I just licked honey off my own tit. Is there anything about that which doesn't SCREAM single???
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