Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
ugh. people who use coupons make me wanna punch a baby.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
he thinks im joking when i say don't visit. i mean it's summer...he was the college fuck and now it's time for the summer fuck
He won't ever take me seriously if I keep getting drunk and hooking up with all his friends.
nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex
why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Randomize
